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Sunday, 19 August 2018
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Lauren and her sweet daughter, "A" Lauren and her sweet daughter, "A" Photo Courtesy: Lauren Urrea

Without You: If I Didn’t Choose Life for My Unborn Child

Most abortion clinics require that you have an ultrasound before they issue you the pill or set you up for "surgery." This is because the ultrasound helps determine if the baby is still small enough (less than 10 weeks) to be aborted with the pill or if surgery will be required.

It is for this reason I always become very anxious before performing an ultrasound on the girls  whom the pregnancy center has previously deemed "abortion-minded" or "abortion-vulnerable." I know that regardless of how well I do the ultrasound, or what I say, they will still leave our clinic and be faced with a decision only they can make.

I've been doing weekly ultrasounds for about eight months now, and just recently had my very first client who ultimately chose abortion. I had been warned that the girls who had their heart set on abortion would refuse to even look at the screen. But it didn't stop my heart from aching for her to just look once at the small, wiggling arms and legs, the button nose, and the vigorously beating heart. 

Although my heart wasn't set on abortion with sweet A, I couldn't help but relate to our client when she said, "I just hate myself for what I have done." Then her tears were my tears, her shame was my shame and her overwhelming fear was so familiar.

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I may never know or understand her reasons for the choice she made, but I am confident in the One who hears the prayers I have said and will continue to say for her.

What I do know is that at some point her ideas of what life would be like without that child may have outweighed her ideas of what it would be like to keep it. In the midst of that indescribable fear and shame, I can say that the list of reasons to go without that baby can definitely appear to be longer and better. 

Now on the other end, I can see a million and one reasons why that list is deceiving.

In fact, I have an ever-growing list of ways my life would have been so much less fulfilling without you, my daughter. 

Without you, there would have never been that instant, inexplicable explosion of love on the day you were born. That day in July would merely be another day without significance at all.

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Without you, there would have been fewer sleepless nights, but more nights alone. Your fingers wrapped in my hair, head on my shoulder, and heart beating against my chest would be a feeling I'd miss completely.

Without you, there would have been more money and free time, but a whole lot less joy. Your laughter and delight are my daily reward.

Without you, there would have been more travel and life experiences, but I would have missed so many more firsts. Your first laugh, your first walk across the room, your first word, your first day of school, your first soccer goal, your first everything.

Without you, I would have been so focused on the future I thought was best for me, I would have missed the many things God had intended for me all along. He used you, in many ways, to lead me.

Without you, I may have continued living the life I thought was meant for me, and would have never known the life I lived was even more meant for you.

Without you is a life I can no longer even imagine, because your life has made mine all the more worth living.

Editor’s Note: This post originally appeared on Lauren’s blog: lknuppel.blogspot.com

Lauren Urrea

Lauren Urrea is a Physician Assistant at a family practice in small town Elkin, North Carolina. However, she spent most of her life growing up in Virginia and considers herself a forever Hokie after earning her Bachelor's at Virginia Tech.

She is passionate about the pro-life movement, so she also spends many of her lunch breaks performing routine OB ultrasounds at Lifeline Pregnancy Help Center. She has documented her own journey through an unplanned pregnancy on her blog: lknuppel.blogspot.com

She currently lives in Winston-Salem, North Carolina with her husband and 3 precious children, who are her daily reminders of God's faithfulness and grace.

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