Caroline Carver likes to talk about adoption.
She does so every chance she gets, in part because her own adoption experience has been, as she says, “amazing,” but also because she believes that people – most especially women facing unexpected pregnancy - need to know about adoption and the utter joy it can bring.
Carver is an Air Force veteran, single mom, and former pro-life advocate who achieved her second master’s degree this past August and serves as a licensed mental health counselor and client case manager for a residential tech addiction recovery program.
Carver was 30 years old when she learned she was pregnant with her second child. Already a single mother with a seven-year-old son, she had broken up with her unborn child’s father and found herself experiencing what countless women do when they have an unplanned pregnancy; she was shocked and scared.
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She was blessed to find a remarkable adoption program, and she placed her daughter PJ, now 11, with a wonderful couple in an open adoption. Carver has remained a part of PJ’s life, visiting from out of state whenever she can. She has the love of her daughter’s parents, she said, while they have Carver’s love and admiration.
Carver is confident that her adoption experience is God’s plan, and she wouldn’t have it any other way.
“God had a plan way bigger than me,” she said.
And so, passionate about helping others, she talks about it whenever she can.
“I will openly speak about adoption until the day I die,” Carver said. “I don't feel shame. There's no shame.”
Carver said she became pro-life because of her adoption experience, such that advocating for life and adoption is now integrated into her soul.
There's such peace that comes with the adoption process that God blessed her with, she said, and while she has an abundance of it, she could not have comprehended it ahead of time and had to trust.
She has never questioned her decision to place PJ with her adoptive parents.
“I realize that through them, my daughter has a life that is beyond my dreams,” said Carver. “And so now it's come to fruition; I have a better understanding of what it is to raise a child the way they have, and it blesses me every time I think about it.”
Tweet This: “I realize that through them, my daughter has a life that is beyond my dreams” - Birth mom on her child's adoptive parents
Carver says she wouldn't change things even if she could.
“Why take away such beauty?” she asked.
This is not to say that she couldn’t have parented PJ well, Carver clarified, adding that her son, now 20, is doing well. But she said there is something to which she believes God has enlightened her.
“I could have raised PJ, but that doesn't mean that I should have raised PJ,” Carver said.
“A mother's love is sacrificial,” she said. “And the representation of my love for PJ was to sacrifice via adoption. So, my sacrificial love came in the form of adoption, and I'm proud of that. I have no shame.”
“If you're parenting, you're making sacrifices,” said Carver. “So, it's just a different type of sacrifice.”
Since the Dobbs ruling media coverage has cast doubt on adoption, at times portraying it in a negative light.
Responding to the question of whether adoption is a positive option, Carver is willing to sit down with anyone who is ready for an honest discussion.
She concedes that not everyone’s experience will mirror her own, but that does not mean adoption should be dismissed.
“People being human and not perfect can mess up even the greatest of things,” she said.
“Adoption in and of itself can be a beautiful thing,” said Carver. “And I'm a testament to that along with the multiple birth mothers that I've worked with who will tell you the same exact story as mine.”
Tweet This: “Adoption in and of itself can be a beautiful thing” - Birth mom in an open adoption
“When an adoption center facilitates an adoption in the most appropriate manner that is both beneficial to the adoptive parents and the birth mother or birth parents, you're going to have a much higher success rate and everyone's happiness,” she added.
It’s a complicated question, Carver said, but she is hopeful that even those with misguided pre-conceived notions of adoption can come around.
“No one is hopeless, right?” she said.
Carver also does not discount that the act of commending your child over to another does not take place without strong emotion.
“I can promise that what I felt was sad … sadness at that,” she explained. “We're naturally inclined as women to do what it entails to be a mother. We want to mother our children.”
“Of course, as a mother, I wanted to hold my child,” said Carver. “I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to love on her, but all the love and the kisses and the hugs were not going to make me the parent.”
“She needed all the love, and everything that I could possibly be was not enough,” Carver said. “And it's okay to say that.”
“So, I had to deny my natural mother instinct in order to facilitate this adoption, but that doesn't mean I regret it,” Carver said. “It's literally the best decision I've ever made in my life.”
Through adoption, Carver said, she handpicked the mother her daughter needed and deserved.
“Why would I be ashamed of that?” she asked.
“I was empowered via adoption to pick both a mother and a father,” Carver added. “PJ has mother and father … I have peace and tranquility knowing that my child has everything I could ever dream for her.”
She roundly disputes the idea frequently sold to women that abortion is an easy solution.
“It's not a quick fix,” Carver said. “There's a reason why there's trauma and PTSD for so many women after abortion.”
She remains resolute and ready to share her story and discuss adoption whenever the opportunity presents, working to change hearts and minds.
And all throughout, she takes complete joy in the amazing young lady her daughter has become.
“Adoption's always a better alternative than abortion,” Carver said, “every, every time.”
