At 16 years old I had an abortion, and I carried that dark secret for 20 years. The guilt and shame of my decision separated me from the love of God, and I never imagined that there would be forgiveness for people like me.
Thankfully, God never gave up on me!
We have all heard that He will leave the 99 to go after the one, but to experience it first-hand is a love that words cannot adequately describe.
Like a coarse, barbed wire, intricately woven throughout the fabric of my being, this secret had become a painful part of my identity. Removing it seemed impossible, and the damage caused at the slightest tug never seemed worth the effort, so I learned to grow around it. I avoided anything that posed a risk, and I became quite skilled at keeping everyone at a safe distance, yet God still had good plans for me.
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In 2021, a local pregnancy center hosted a baby bottle fundraiser at my church. When I learned about the services they offered and the mission of hope behind their ministry, I began to feel the all too familiar sting as God began to tug at my wounded heart.
As I listened to their presentation, I felt grief and shame cover me as a friend leaned over to whisper, "We should see about volunteering there!"
I thought, “If she knew the truth about me, she probably wouldn't even speak to me anymore."
A few weeks passed and those words kept just echoing in my mind.
"Volunteer?! There is NO WAY they'd let me in the door!"
I made sure I was busy the day that a group of ladies from church made plans to visit the center. And I felt certain that I had been successful in my efforts to dodge that interaction until my well-meaning friend informed me that she had given someone my information and let them know I was unable to make it that day.
By the end of that same week, I received a message from someone at the center with a sweet note and a volunteer application to fill out.
I saw that the application asked if I'd ever had an abortion, so I continued to make excuses, until the Holy Spirit "tattled" on me, prompting this woman to follow up by saying, "If there is any part of the application that you have questions about or would like to discuss further, I'm here to talk."
I knew that she knew. I wasn't sure how she knew, but I was absolutely certain that she did, and I was mortified.
Not long after, I received a message from an old family friend whom I hadn’t heard from in a few years.
As we chatted, she began to share about her recent experience with a ministry called Deeper Still. I knew this was no coincidence, as very few people knew my secret, but I wondered why now?
She asked if she could send me some information and I agreed. I read every word, and I knew that I needed to get connected with the ministry.
With trembling in my voice, I made the call and the woman who answered was kind and compassionate as I said aloud for the first time ever, "I had an abortion at 16."
She didn't hang up on me or begin to condemn me. She simply asked if she could pray with me before sharing more about her ministry. As she finished praying, I remember breathing in deeply, then exhaling slowly as I realized that I had been holding onto that breath for far too long.
She began to tell me about the Deeper Still retreat and suggested that I go through a post-abortion healing study called SaveOne, that serves as a great prerequisite to the retreat.
What she said next made me laugh out loud, as she told me that the class was held at the very same pregnancy center I had been avoiding!
I detailed the whole sequence of events, and she shared how God had pursued her in a similar way!
I was in awe of His goodness and could no longer contain my emotions. This whole interaction began a radical transformation in my heart and mind that still continues to this day.
I completed the SaveOne study and attended my Deeper Still retreat shortly after. I met many of the volunteers and staff from the pregnancy center and they quickly became like family. I started as a volunteer client advocate and fell in love with speaking life over women who visited our center.
God restored my voice and has turned my mourning into dancing! I no longer feel any shame and have been boldly sharing my testimony every day since my retreat.
Tweet This: God restored my voice & turned my mourning into dancing! I no longer feel shame & boldly share my testimony-Brittney on postabortion healing
But just as He does ... God had even more plans.
After volunteering for two years at the center, I was offered a staff position, and I have now been serving on staff as the Development Coordinator for almost a year.
Although there is so much more to my story, my most favorite part will always be how my Father rescued me from the pit and set me on a beautiful path to purpose as He redeemed even the smallest parts of me that I had surrendered to the enemy all those years ago. I will never be the same, in Jesus’ name!
Editor’s note: Brittney Mariner is the author of The Grace Pace blog and serves as Development Coordinator for Caring Hearts Pregnancy Center. Additional abortion healing resources are available HERE.
