Joe and Mary were both in college and had been dating for a couple of years. The first time they had sexual relations, Mary became pregnant. Coming from a large Catholic family, with devout parents who made a lot of sacrifices for her education, she felt ashamed to tell them. The couple kept it a closely guarded secret.
When Mary shared with Joe about the pregnancy, she told him emphatically, “I have to get an abortion.”
In her heart, she was secretly probing his response to the pregnancy. Mary shares, “I was waiting desperately for him to say something, to tell me we’d manage somehow. It never happened.”
Unfortunately, like many young couples, they struggled to communicate with each other during this stressful time.
[Click here to subscribe to Pregnancy Help News!]
Joe laments, “I knew it was wrong, but I was silent. I never stood up for the baby. I prejudged her and decided that her mind was made up. I was angry with her for choosing an abortion.”
It’s extremely difficult, given the complex circumstances and emotions that naturally accompany an abortion experience, to communicate clearly, and effectively during the decision-making process, and in the aftermath of the procedure.
Couples struggle to process the feelings of grief and loss, anger and regret that naturally occur when parents have directly participated in the child’s death. Communication and trust issues lead to most relationships dissolving soon after the abortion event. Those that stay together often face considerable challenges.
Joe and Mary went on to get married. But Mary harbored deep-seated anger at Joe for not stepping up and advocating for their child and dissuading her from the abortion decision.
She shares, “My feeling of anger at Joe was pushed down for so many years that I didn’t even recognize it. But it was there all the time. I took my anger out on him without ever recognizing where it came from.”
Joes also struggled with his own feelings of anger and resentment. He secretly blamed her for the loss of the baby. Unable to address his feelings in a healthy way, he did things to purposely hurt her and numb his painful feelings; “I drank a lot, I gambled, I did a lot of things to escape into a private world where I wouldn’t feel pain.”
Fortunately, the couple remain connected to their Catholic faith. However, even though Mary went to the sacrament of Reconciliation many times to confess her abortion, she struggled to accept that God could forgive this sin.
Mary touches on a very common spiritual and emotional dynamic following abortion, one that is closely tied to the unresolved grief and loss that accompany abortion, and the need for a deeper healing of that experience.
Some women and men will continue to confess the sin of abortion multiple times. They see their continued painful symptoms, and struggle with unhealthy behaviors after abortion as a sign that the sacrament “didn’t take” or God did not forgive them.
What is often required is an emotional and spiritual healing program that allows participants to safely explore their abortion loss, and honestly share their stories. This creates space in the wounded heart to allow the light of God’s mercy to enter, and a deeper healing and reconciliation to begin.
As Mary was searching to find a path to healing, Joe was struggling with the common male response to such pain; keep it inside, deal with it alone, and don’t share your pain with anyone. This had serious consequences.
Joe shares:
“I couldn’t go to God about it. I think men are so proud, they don’t see what they’ve buried. It was all kept inside, and it was destroying me. I deliberately did things to keep my own self-esteem down. I considered suicide. At one point, I remember walking downstairs with a gun and a suitcase; Mary stopped me.”
The couple learned of an abortion healing program in their diocese, Rachel’s Vineyard, one they could attend together. Initially, Joe was reluctant to go, but given his desperation, he decided to attend.
Joe was glad he did, sharing, “I was able to express my anger toward myself at my total lack of courage. Once I released that, it’s easier to accept and take ownership for the acts that I did.”
Since working through his painful feelings in Rachel’s Vineyard, Joe has discontinued the self-destructive and relationship-destroying behaviors that he used in the past to cope with his painful feelings.
He rejoices, “I feel reborn. I’ve been accepted by God, my wife, and, most of all, I’ve accepted myself.”
Tweet This: Since working through his painful feelings in Rachel’s Vineyard Joe has discontinued self-destructive and relationship-destroying behaviors.
The weekend program created a safe spiritual and emotional space for Mary to express her anger with her husband. She shares the good fruit of this shared journey to the heart of their abortion loss, and to the Heart of God’s mercy:
“We were able to forgive each other, and to have our baby forgive us.”
Given the years of relationship damage, the couple decided to take advantage of the counseling referrals shared at the close of the weekend. They felt empowered by their healing experience to continue developing healthy and life-giving communication and restore trust in their marriage.
Joes shares his vision for the future:
“I’d like us to be as close as we can possibly get. I’d like to re-kindle a courtship, to walk hand-in-hand, spend more time together – and more time together in prayer.”
And the One seated on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” Then He said, “Write this down, for these words are faithful and true.” (Revelation 21:5)
Editor's note: Theresa Burke, Ph.D., and Kevin Burke, MSS, are pastoral associates of Priests for Life and the founders of Rachel’s Vineyard. This article is a Pregnancy Help News original. Additional abortion recovery resources are available HERE.
